I don’t seek fame, money, friends, or the highest step of the social ladder. I just want to prove to myself that I can do better. My college life sucked big time. I failed so many subjects including a major and I also reached that point in my life where the department was mulling over whether to kick me out or not. Hopefully I was given a second chance, but my damned, ruined self continued weighing me down the gutter. I felt my life shatter into pieces and I lost all the motivation to aim higher. I loathed myself. Loathed what I have become and all the people I came across because I felt that I could never be what they are. I resorted to cutting my wrists, because my depression got worse. Nobody knew of course, and the scars were small, hardly visible. I stopped because to be honest, I was freaking scared too. Somehow I managed to carry on with my life and smile like everything was fine. I continued chatting with my friends, realizing how tiresome it was to put a fake mask in front of everybody and to be the one doing all the encouragement all the time for their own trivial worries.
I just wanted to end my four years of college and start anew. By that I mean, get my ass in a master’s degree program and bring back all the confidence I’ve lost in past. I’m not aiming for a higher status in this God-forsaken country. My plans are for my own benefit. I’m so fucking sick of being sad all the time, always crying at night and feeling regretful over all the things I could’ve been right now but wasn’t. I hated being so jealous of others for being able to achieve things while here I am, a rotting, miserable failure who constantly wishes to die or maybe get run over a car, get amnesia. I’ve lost the motivation to be better even though there’s still the nagging thought inside of me that I shouldn’t settle for this. I must not stop. I have to do something. I need to be a person of worth.