Am I weak?
During the latter part of the year, I landed my first ever job as a Paralegal for a corporate firm.
I thought it’d be exciting considering that this can train me for my career towards Law.
Although to be honest, it wasn’t ever my intention to go to Law school.
During my undergraduate years, most of my Political Science batchmates shared their aspirations to take up law.
I, on the other hand, felt lost. I never really thought about what came after college grad.
Sure, there’s work, but is that all there is to it? It doesn’t seem very fulfilling, does it?
I made a point to set a career for myself, one that is based on my peers’ hopes and dreams.
Somehow, I can see myself going far, striving through it all and gaining a title to my name.
Now that I’m here, typing this, sitting in front of white-washed walls, listening to the sound of the airconditioner, my boss seated right behind me, feeling quite : mehhh.
It tends to get boring, yet tiring at the same time. Everyday I commute to work. I wake up at 4:30 am , although I usually lay in bed until 4:45 before finally getting up, and finishing my breakfast and morning routine by 5:45 or so. The commute takes up most of my time. I commute to and fro work, and each one lasts for more than two hours because of the traffic.
So there, I leave by 5:45, and wait for a van that goes to the train station. That takes a good twenty minutes or so and it isn’t until 6 am that the van leaves. Before I even reach the station, it takes about an hour and a half, leaving me at 7:30 am. Upon getting to the train station, a very long line awaits me. It’s not until 8 am that I finally get to ride on the train, It’s a good 20 minute ride and Ifinally get to the office a few minutes before 8:30 am (which is the time work starts).
I’d say that the firm as a whole is lenient on tardiness, but for our department, the immediate head always arrives an hour earlier than we do so he notices it whenever one of us is late. Therefore, we are all prompted to arrive on time, lest he says something.
Upon reaching the office, tasks assigned are random: draft contracts or letters, review a document, summarize a bill or a case, do some research here and there. Bottomline, it varies, but with one underlying similarity. Everything is connected to corporate affairs or for the legal benefit of a private company. Like, how much shares should be held in order for a company so that it meets the equity ownership requirement, the loopholes in a contract or any provision beneficial to a company that will reassure its success in biddings, etc. Not really what I had in mind for Law because I swore to God that I would’nt slave myself off for a private company.
Yet one might ask, surely I knew what I was getting into when I applied right? Well, hell yes, I did my background, but since the firm bore the intentions of promoting rural water infrasture and improving water sanitation to poorly developed areas, I thought, hey, very public oriented. I’ve always wanted a job that seeks to improve public welfare, which is why I initially sought work in the government. Sadly I wasted my time instead of fixing all necessary requirements for my job application so I can only apply to private firms.
Now that I’m here, it doesn’t really seem fulfilling at all. Everything I do is random; not something I build up on. I learned a lot of different things during my initial weeks at work but now they’re just dull. There’s nothing consistent or exciting about them. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I feel incompetent at everything I do these days. I’ve felt more and more inferior to everyone else and I can barely focus on my anything at all. Part of me thinks that it’s because of my poor diet and sleeping habits. I barely have enough time to sleep due to the long commuting hours and there are times when I skip my meals because I’m too tired or bummed out to eat at all. This is why most of the time, my body feels like it’ll collapsing any time soon. To be honest, my workload is so light that I talk myself into thinking that my case isn’t pretty bad. It’s just that coming and leaving feels so tiring. The thought of it gets me even more depressed. I wake up before the sun rises; everywhere, darkness. When I get back home, everything is still dark because it’s already past seven. Note, when I leave the office by 5:30 it takes two and a half hours. Not only that, there’s work on Saturdays. Talk about miserable.
I’d say my mindset is also one to blame for the way I’m performing at work, but hey, can you blame me? Commuting is tiring, especially when your boss drives you to do over time. Also, my physical constitution isn’t very good. So fine, I admit, I’m a weak being who barely weighs a hundred pounds. I’m a poor, picky eater. I firmly believe that I’ll die young because I don’t eat healthy. Nevertheless, I try pushing myself beyond my limits because hell, I don’t want people thinking that I give up too easily or that I’m lazy. Okay, I may be lazy when it comes to waking up, but I do my job since it is required of me. I don’t want to end up unproductive. To summarize, yes, this job is taking a toll on my physical well being but I don’t want to give up because it would somehow be equivalent to showing people that I give up easily. I’m weak as shit but I want to keep on going and see how long I can last. If it happens that I collapse due to fatigue or exhaustion, then that’ll be my only sign of giving up,