Before and After

To the child from ten years ago, allow me to hug you and say sorry.

I’m sorry that you will have to feel loneliness and fear being inferior. I’m sorry that you will be bearing an immense hatred for yourself and everyone else around you. I’m sorry for making the worst of all decisions that will make you miserable. I’m sorry for ruining your childhood hopes and dreams. I’m sorry for permanently erasing your smile and causing you to distrust everybody including your bestfriend. I’m sorry that I lost the will to fight as you look from afar, so weak and pathetic, at everyone who now succeeds in life.

Let me breathe in your sweet scent and feel you in my arms. Let me tell you the words “be strong” and kiss your forehead and hope you never end up like me. Never forget to love yourself and live as happily as you can. If you fall and hurt yourself, remember these arms that hugged you and the voice, repeatedly saying, “hold on kiddo, everything will be alright, I promise.”

***
Did you know? I dreamed of sitting beneath the eaves of a large tree on top of a small hill. Below, a child runs through a field of sunflowers and daisies. She pauses, looks up and waves at me. The wind was the cool, the sky was clear. It was a brand new start.
“You didn’t give up, did you?” I said to the girl from 10 years ago.

Come my dear child, you have a long way to go. From here onwards, your soul will find peace. Cherish these sentiments and look at the flowers and heavenly blue. Forget the tears and come to your home, of smiles of warmth, a child by your side. Guide her away from your fears and be the mother you swore you would be.

****

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